tangled web

As you can see I've been bad about writing again. Seems my life has really been crazy the last 6 months. I have so much happening I don't know if I can see straight. I'm one that believes everything happens for a reason that's why I try so hard not to ever judge someone too harshly, plus it seems when someone does judge harshly they find themselves going through the very think we harsh about. Back in December I was on classmates.com and came across someone I hadn't talked to in 17 years, we dated for 2 years when I was in high school, he was my first love. I messaged him, he responded, we kept emailing for a month or so and then we exchanged numbers.

I figured this was not a big deal. I heard his voice and my heart skipped a beat, looking back I fought the feelings that came flooding back. We continued to email and talk on the phone and the feelings not only came back but were different. In the mean time I continued with going to my counselor about my husband, children, personal issues. When I went to Wisconsin for a visit with family I ended up seeing my exbf and oh man did the sparks fly. All this is so not me, I'm always cautious, never spend too much time alone with a male, have boundaries, etc etc. Hook line and sinker. My husband knew I was talking to the exbf, heck they had chatted a bit before.

My husband has had some major issues that he started working on 5-6 years ago but never fully addressed it. There are so many issues, sexual confusion, sexual abuse, neglect, emotionless, etc I tried so hard to be there and help him. I had my heart broken quite a few times, him meeting someone for a oral fling, online chatting, his thoughts running crazy. I was so tired of it, I thought it was all behind us but there was still so much missing in our marriage. I feel like I'm raising a 4th child.

When I was in WI for my visit in March, my husband went online viewing porn something that he knows triggers sexual confusion, and other major problems. To add to it, he knew my best friend was going through some problems with her husband and he did some cruel and put nude pics of her on the internet, my husband went searching for the pics of my bff. He found one, viewed it many times, saved it, blew up the crotch area, etc. I was devastated. I can't do this anymore. I can't continue to go through the sex crap and also the other issues.

I decided when I got home to AZ that I wanted to move back to WI, I gave my reasons and my husband agreed. He knew we were having issues because I confronted him about the porn and my bff's pic.

We are pretty much living together but seperated until I find a job and am able to keep the apt. and other things. There have been quite a few times my husband goes online looking at porn, chatting, trying to find people to have sex with, dating services. It really saddens my heart because he is so much better than that. He doesn't have any values especially for himself.

The exbf wants more with me and frankly I do to. Am I running away from the issues w/my husband? There are plenty of reasons that lead me to believe no. I want to do things the right way but what is that anymore?

ugh :(