12-6-09

I seem to have done it again....it's been awhile since I've posted

I'm trying to get my life in order.....still.

There is a gentleman whom I've known for 23 years, he's lying in a hospice bed right now getting ready to cross over. I was with him yesterday for most of the day, he also is my bf's dad. I said a prayer as I drove to the hospice that I would bring in comfort and peace while being there. I know the importance of family to J. There is quite a bit of division amongst the children. It's really very sad. I wish there was something I could do or say to help them come together. I have many thoughts go through my head about things I could say but know that prayer is the best option right now.

A week ago my son and I went shopping at Kohl's, I noticed a man that was by the registers waiting. My eyes bug out, my face kinda looks shocked, and my demeanor changes. My son asks me what's wrong....so I told him to look at the man...he's my dad :(

Since my parents divorced when I was 7 years old, he gave up his parental rights to me not long after. I talked to him here and there growing up and the last time I saw him was when I was 16. Was it totally his fault that I didn't persue a relationship with him? I did try on different occassions but let it go. I always go through so many emotions when I see him again. Out of the 4 kids I am the one that runs into him. And it's that same area too, maybe I should go shopping else where lol.

Growing up without a dad was hard, I wanted that love a dad gives his little girl, being protective when she started dating, teaching her how to drive, walking her down the aisle when she gets married, help fix things when something breaks, being a grandpa.

My mom started dating a man 23 years ago and he was (still is) always there for me. When I had a miscarriage he drove me to my bf's house (the same one I have now) so I could talk to him, he waited in the car. When I was learning to drive, he would take me out and let me drive 30 minutes away to pick my mom up from work, when I got pregnant with my oldest daughter I was going to school and working, my truck broke down and he took the money he was saving for his traveling days when he retired to buy 2 cars, one for him and mom and one for me. I didn't pay the car payment, when I had to be rushed to a hospital 50 miles away, he got there before the ambulance did and was in the room the whole time till they took me to the OR, he's been a grandpa to my children, he and my mom walked me down the aisle.

When I made mistakes he never said much. When I needed help with anything he would at least try to fix it. There's never been much affection or emotions. He grew up being the black sheep of his family so he's got his guard up too. He's been there, doing all the "things" dad's do without having the title. For him I'm very thankful for. I can't say I love him like a dad but very close :).

I feel sad that my dad doesn't know me or my children. He's missed out on something great! Not to mention his other 3 children and 8 grandchildren.