Seems my love drama continues. 2 weeks ago my bf was over and was in a foul mood, I text him I hated to see him in such a mood, wish I could make him smile. He texts back he's gonna go. OK, so we say goodbye, he says he'll call me later. I text him a few minutes later asking why did he have to go like that. He responds, he's not in the mood for visiting. I understand he was laid off and it was really stressing him out. You see he's the type that thinks he's in control of everything, but doesn't get that all the stressing, bad moods, and icky thinking is just creating more of it. So I figure ok I'll let him be. The last time he got like this I got the silent treatment and ended up furious. I can understand when someone needs some space but you don't have to act like an ass and show disrespect!!! Well I don't have my van anymore, haven't for over a month now. He's been picking me up from work everyday since.
So I get up the next day, text him I hope he has a better day. He responded with Good Morning, that was it. I go to work and it was a gorgeous day so I took the kids outside (teacher), it was awesome being able to enjoy it. After I got the kids down for their nap I got a text from him asking if I was talking to him, I told him yes, he said doesn't seem like it, I told him I was giving him his space, he said he would rather have a hug, I said me too, he asked why did I need a hug and I told him because of that last few days. I responded with I see that was it. So I went about the rest of my day. My son comes to my room which is quiting time and we go outside........no bf around.
I tell my son let's go and start walking. I get a phone call from my friend and she asked what I was doing, told her walking home. She asked why and I told her cuz bf isn't there. She told me she'd call back in a few minutes. Phone rang but it wasn't her, I guess she text bf and asked why is my son and I walking home. He said he didn't know we were, she asked how else are they getting home? He calls me and asks why am I walking home...........how else will I get there? He didn't seem to care about it until now, so then he says "Oh it's my fault"? I told him it didn't really matter. I was furious and didn't want to say anything in front of my son.
The way I look at it is, I'm supposed to be his lady. He's been picking me up the whole time, yet never once asked me if I needed a ride or even just showed up. Now if someone is your lady you are supposed to make sure they are taken care of. That wasn't done, in fact he was mean about the whole thing. While I was on the phone he never asked how far I was from work and offer to still come get us. Yet there was silence on the phone until his sister started talking to him, I got so angry I hung up.
Now mind you the road we are walking on doesn't have sidewalks and is a very busy street. 20 minutes later, he asked me if I hung up on him, I asked why? took 20 minutes to figure it out? I guess he was waiting to see if I would call back. We text back and forth and the bottom line is he goes out to eat with his sister instead of straighten things out with me. To me that says volumes instead of apologizing or anything he gets mean. Saying it only took me 2o minutes to get home, uuuh no it was 50 and granted it's 2.4 miles but after working all day and guess what.....adrenal fatigue HELLO???? I asked him what did I tell him about my exercising? Didn't I walk a mile in a half at most and had to scale down because I was getting too warn out? YES....didn't I also have to go from 30 minutes to 20? YES.......yea he really cares. I told him to read up on adrenal fatigue again. I'm taking $300 worth of freaking supplements a month just cuz I like spending the money.
I know everyone is different and everyone handles things differently but I've noticed since being with him he's an angry person, he sees things in a negative way. We've had many dicussions about many different topics and then wonder why many times I feel out of balance. I have allowed his mood to interfere with mine. I got to the point where I told myself enough and went back to reading inspirational things, praying, meditating, listening to things helped my mood be good.
He made a comment that you can't just sit back and let the universe bring you good, you have to go get it. I told him I agree and disagree. He has no trust in God and it shows big time in his life. I've had to really sit back and look at the whole relationship. There are things that I know about his past and even what he did 2 years ago that has me wondering about his morals. Now let me tell you right now I'm in no position to judge. But when you are talking about spending your life with someone and having them around your children you have to look at it.
When my ex found out my son and I walked home, the first thing out of his mouth was.......you should've called me I would've come to get you. This man works 45 minutes away. I was like wow. He's always been that type of a man, he has a heart of gold. Yes he still wants to get back together with me but I'm telling you he's like that with friends and family too.
I prayed and asked for guidance. I also know I've had others praying for me and to know what the right thing to do is. You see my ex is saying that when you get married you take vows and has said he knows we belong together and with God we will be better than ever because he wants to be a better man, husband, and dad. So decisions have to be made
However I have to end things with the bf. I love him, always have, always will. But love isn't enough. I don't want to go into all the details of why, I don't want to say anymore negative things. I just feel it's the right thing to do. I don't understand why after 18 years we were together a year and it's done. Why hurt all over again from losing each other? No matter how mad he's made me, how negative he can be, there was still good, and I really do hurt terrible over this. They say we teach people how to treat us, well I can't be treated the way I have been and I'm not sure it would change. He says he loves me so much and feels that we are supposed to be together that we are connected and soulmates.
I think I just need some time to be alone and figure everything out. I'm out of whack here and made things harder on myself
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