Relationships

There is a story about a couple that was married and how much they loved each other. Not only were they husband and wife, they were best friends. They had love, respect, loyalty, trust, and commitment. The love they had was so strong it was as if they were one. He couldn't pass her without a loving touch, she looked at him with such tenderness. She would get ready to tell him something and he would say the very thing she was thinking. Laying her head on his chest she would listen to his heart beating and one day realized his matched hers they were beating at the exact same time. They were blessed to have an opportunity few people get on earth. God had blessed them to spend time and space with someone He had designed for them. They were divinly favored.

So it got me thinking why is it so many never know such love, not even a portion?

We all know being with someone takes work, commitment, respect, love, etc. Have we forgotten what that is anymore?

I've had the honor to have seen many marriages last in my family. I know some had their share of problems but yet I've seen them grow and be stronger than ever. My one aunt and uncle have been married over 50 years and it's a love that goes to the soul, it's spiritual. They amaze me and they inspire me.

I wasn't so lucky in love. In the past I didn't love myself, I didn't know my worth. I see things differently than I did 20 years ago. I see how I've grown for the better and what I want in a relationship. A relationship should nourish and support us and we don't have to settle. If two people have the same goals in life they can have a strong marriage/relationship. How do you know the other person wants the same thing? They say they do but at times thier actions make you wonder.......

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!! I was actually one of those nutty people that goes shopping on Christmas Eve lol. I had to get a few things and I am doooone woo hoo! This is a tight Christmas but that's ok. I'm not one to go all out spending a ton of money anyway. I would much rather get together with family and friends and have a great meal and spend time together. I've heard quite a few people complaining how commerical Christmas has gotten. If that is how people choose to spend Christmas so be it. I choose to get some gifts, tells stories to my children, and reflect over the year and tell about the many blessings that have come my way. And to also talk about what the holiday means to different religions.

Early today I was having a bad day someone I love very much decided they were upset that they won't see me on Christmas because of our schedules and circumstances. I was supposed to see this person today but because they chose to look at all the negative in the situation I was jipped of having a good day with him. I texted messaged and called but got the silent treatment. I struggled with letting it go and being very hurt. They say we teach people how to treat us. So I emailed and respectfully aired my feelings. I did finally get a text but went silent again. It amazes me how 2 people can be in the same situation and each person has a totally different way of looking at it. We were on the phone and I was just appauled at the attitude. We choose the way we view things and if he wants to look at what sucks there isn't anything I can do about it. BUT I will not let it steal my peace anymore nor will I let it bring me down.

I'm really sad at how the day went, but I enjoyed some fun time with my son. I had to tell him not to tell Nana that he saw his gift. It's hard to go shopping when I didn't have anyone to watch him. His birthday is the day after Christmas and I can say that was the best Christmas gift I ever got.

Was talking to 2 of my best friends today. One is in PA and the other in FL. I really miss them so much. I'm so thankful for them. PA was saying she might have to move back here because jobs aren't there. I know that will break her heart because she really loves where she lives plus she has family. I told her if she does come back we'll have each other. I told them both no matter what the ecomony is, no matter what the problem is in life we have to find the good and keep our focus on that, make lemonade out of lemons.

So my affirmation for today was I am willing to release any relationship that no longer nourishes or supports me. I am always secure in love.

Well it's time for me to be cooking. I hope you all have a blessed and wonderful Christmas
Blessing to all!!!

Finally got a job....I'm lovin it. I enjoy working with children so much :). The hours are perfect and I've been able to put in extra hours when needed. Which of course is good for the paycheck and my health is handling it very well. My oldest moved back to AZ in October, man do I miss her!! She has gotten her driver's license, registered for college and is hopefully going to get financial aid. She's been putting applications in but hasn't had any luck just yet. My son isn't doing the greatest in school and I don't get why, the last 3 years he's done great. I know each year it gets harder but this year is really proving to be a challenge.

I figured maybe he's bored so I went online and found some websites that he can play on and learn at the same time. I'm also going to get us signed up for a membership at the gym, I think he needs to expel some good energy. Won't hurt for me to go too :).

Found a book in a box in my closet called Wise Woman ways, it has some information on different herbs. I was surprised to learn that dandelion and chickweed are quite healthy for us as well as oatstraw. It amazes me how nature works. I have a yellow notebook full of information on health. It's getting quite full now.

So on to my rant:
I made plans with a friend of mine to come over at 11:30 and then we were going to go running around. 11:30 comes and goes, no text, no call, nothing. I call leave a message and finally at 12 I get a text saying he's stomach was giving him fits etc. I am one that thinks common courtesy goes along way and if he would've text earlier it would've been much better. grrrrrrrrrr

Ok irritation over with now.

I need to get some stuff done around here, thought I would pop on here and make a post. Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. OH and gas is $1.69 here woooo hooo, nice!!!

9-18

what a beautiful morning!!! I've been up since 5:30, just finished my cup of nettle tea. My naturopath Dr. told me it's good for lowering blood sugar and also DHEA ( I think). I started drinking it like 5 days ago and it's really good, I use agave to sweeten it a bit. Be careful it will make you use the lady's room quite a bit, it's also a diuretic.

I think I'm a book addict, I've been reading A New Earth and also just started readng Ask and It Is Given by Esther and Jerry Hicks. I'm really liking the Hicks' book, I like them both but I'm finding a New Earth I can only read so much then I have to put the book down and reflect on what I've read. I have quite a few books I still need to read. I've been looking for work and haven't had any luck. A part of me wants to work then another part doesn't. When my son goes to school I have the house to myself and I REALLY enjoy the silence. I don't put the tv on, and at times I don't even put on my relaxing music. I lite my candles, sit in my big cushy chair, and will read or just sit there and enjoy the quiet. The cats come in the living room and sit right in the middle and enjoy it too :).

I'm still in the middle of healing myself and being at home alone gives me that opportunity. Now will bills and all that good stuff, I wonder if maybe getting a part time job would still give me the best of both worlds? Whatever is meant to be will be................

My oldest daughter is going to be moving in a month to go live with my mom so she can get ready to start college in January. I am so proud of her!! She graduated, got a job, has been really good with managing her money, and now is going to go back to school to be a vet. I think she will do fantastic working with animals. She was a bit shocked at how long the schooling is to become a vet but that's ok, even if she has to go to school part time it's better than not doing it at all. It'll all pay off in the end.

My son is in football and is doing great, he's really learning alot and I like how it keeps him active. It's a big commitment though, I have to take him to practice 3 times a week for 2 hours and games are on Saturday. I have to have dinner cooked and ready to eat by 4:30 so we can leave by 5 and don't get home till 8:30. It's only for another month so that's good. Next he wants to do archery. I'm noticing behaviors with my son I'm not sure about, if it's normal boy stuff or if it's like ADHD? Not sure what dietary changes I can do since I limit so much as it is now. I'll have to talk to my ND. What raises the red flag for me is his reading level it's very low, he puts words in the sentences that aren't there, his writing is terrible. I will tell him how to write something and he turns right around and will do the opposite...........oy. O'well I'll get it figured out, he's a great boy!!!

I have to get back to exercising. I don't like how easily I gain weight and how icky I feel when I don't exercise..........so that is a great indication to stay exercising LOL. Things have been so hectic I have to get creative. It's ok I'll get it figured out, the pounds will melt off, and I'll be a thin, healthy, hot mama :)

Well better stay the day and do stuff around here
Blessings!!!

8-29-08

Well my husband and I are seperated. In fact he has an interview today for a position in AZ and if he gets it I really believe this is a huge step for him. It's something he's really wanted for many years and he can go back to seeing his old counselor that was helping him so much. I would be sad to see him go, especially cuz of our son but think it's a great opportunity. My son has his first football game tomorrow and I think I'm more excited about it than he is :).

Started reading Eckhart Tolle's New Earth, I noticed I can only read maybe 5 pages then I have to put it down but I find myself reflecting about what I read, I also do alot of highlighting. There are some really good points in there. Love it!!

So I was reading in my daily meditation book from Truth of Life and this is what I read today:

There is no such thing as adversity.....anything and everything is a door to good fortune. We must not complain about our present difficulties. We must not lose the brightness of our mind. Pray always, Since I am a child of God, I am lucky. I am always successful and that success is about to unfold before me. In the Eastern Proverb, lioness' are said to push their cubs down from a high cliff into a deep ravine to train their courage. Believe that difficulties are the gateway to good fortune.

It's a bit of a coincidence I read that since I'm going through difficulties. It's always good to read things that way

tangled web

As you can see I've been bad about writing again. Seems my life has really been crazy the last 6 months. I have so much happening I don't know if I can see straight. I'm one that believes everything happens for a reason that's why I try so hard not to ever judge someone too harshly, plus it seems when someone does judge harshly they find themselves going through the very think we harsh about. Back in December I was on classmates.com and came across someone I hadn't talked to in 17 years, we dated for 2 years when I was in high school, he was my first love. I messaged him, he responded, we kept emailing for a month or so and then we exchanged numbers.

I figured this was not a big deal. I heard his voice and my heart skipped a beat, looking back I fought the feelings that came flooding back. We continued to email and talk on the phone and the feelings not only came back but were different. In the mean time I continued with going to my counselor about my husband, children, personal issues. When I went to Wisconsin for a visit with family I ended up seeing my exbf and oh man did the sparks fly. All this is so not me, I'm always cautious, never spend too much time alone with a male, have boundaries, etc etc. Hook line and sinker. My husband knew I was talking to the exbf, heck they had chatted a bit before.

My husband has had some major issues that he started working on 5-6 years ago but never fully addressed it. There are so many issues, sexual confusion, sexual abuse, neglect, emotionless, etc I tried so hard to be there and help him. I had my heart broken quite a few times, him meeting someone for a oral fling, online chatting, his thoughts running crazy. I was so tired of it, I thought it was all behind us but there was still so much missing in our marriage. I feel like I'm raising a 4th child.

When I was in WI for my visit in March, my husband went online viewing porn something that he knows triggers sexual confusion, and other major problems. To add to it, he knew my best friend was going through some problems with her husband and he did some cruel and put nude pics of her on the internet, my husband went searching for the pics of my bff. He found one, viewed it many times, saved it, blew up the crotch area, etc. I was devastated. I can't do this anymore. I can't continue to go through the sex crap and also the other issues.

I decided when I got home to AZ that I wanted to move back to WI, I gave my reasons and my husband agreed. He knew we were having issues because I confronted him about the porn and my bff's pic.

We are pretty much living together but seperated until I find a job and am able to keep the apt. and other things. There have been quite a few times my husband goes online looking at porn, chatting, trying to find people to have sex with, dating services. It really saddens my heart because he is so much better than that. He doesn't have any values especially for himself.

The exbf wants more with me and frankly I do to. Am I running away from the issues w/my husband? There are plenty of reasons that lead me to believe no. I want to do things the right way but what is that anymore?

ugh :(

5-7

It's been almost 2 months since I last wrote. So much has happened and I don't even know where to begin. Life is always ever changing and I think my life is taking on another big change. Not only am I moving back to Wisconsin I'm also unsure about my marriage. There has been so much over the last 9 years. When you take a vow of for better for worse what does that mean? Is it no matter what? What happens when there have been so many changes?

Over the last 10 years I've changed and grown in ways I never thought possible, while my husband stayed stunted in his codepency. Was he brought into my life for me to help him? I've gotten to the point in my life where I did neglect myself for so long that I won't do it anymore. I took on my husband and children's problems as my own. I forgot about me. Of course we all do that, especially for our children because they are after all our children they are dependent on us. We're supposed to be there to help guide them, give them love, attention, affection, etc. My oldest has such self esteem issues and I've alway encouraged her but yet she does nothing to get out of the rut she's in. I have control of my actions and that's it, I came to realize if she chooses to stay that way there's nothing I can do but continue to love, encourage, and support her. She's just not ready yet. She came here with her own destiny.

When it comes to my husband, I love him but is it the type of love I should have for a husband? I just don't know. I have all these dreams rolling around in my head and the truth is I don't see him by my side fulfilling them. I read somewhere that we should release our relationship to God and let what is meant to be happen. So I've done just that.

My husband has a book called Codepencey No More by Melody Beattie, there is a list that states the different things codependcy looks like my husband has 117 checked off. I had 5.5 checked off, years ago I wouldn't have way more but like I said I've changed so much. I am taking time to take care of me. I do things that nurture me, because of it I'm a better wife, mother, and person. How many times have we heard if mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy.

So many times we think I can't possibly take care of myself I have so much housework to do, the kids need this, the husband needs that. We just have to prioritize and make time for "me". I'm taking my supplements, eating right, walking, laying in the sun for 20 minutes a day, meditating, praying, listening to relaxing music, hang around supportive loving people, I do fun things that benefits the whole family.

What happens as my husband is going to counseling, doing his affirmations, etc? Will we grow apart? My gut tells me yes. So now what?

craziness

There has been so much going on around here I haven't had a chance to write. I've been dealing with my ex husband's wife's mouth for years. I am really at the end of my rope and ready to go UFC on her. That would be awesome to get in a ring with her, oh the things I imagine to do!!!!
I just don't get it, she's the one that ruined my marriage. Then made sure my x and I didn't remain friends and now she's trying very hard to destroy my relationship with my children.

I have a friend that is "gifted" he's always said she was mean, vindictive, etc. Well I was told by my sister about a "gifted" friend of hers. I talked to Johnnie and he was right on about the whole situation I was amazed. It confirmed everything for me. I have to say it's very disheartening to know my gut feeling has been right all along. I wish it wasn't

I pray for her and this whole crazy situation. No child should ever have to hear their mom or dad bad mouthed. They are the ones that suffer the most.

2-20

I'm wondering if every relationship we have goes through some sort of problem? I know storms come into our life to teach us and help us grow. This last storm has been a good one. My oldest turned 18 and decided she wanted to move in with her dad. The way it was handled was terrible and underhanded big time. I miss her though, since being there she never calls, emails, or much of anything. I'm lucky if I talk to her once a week. I know she has her lessons in life to learn but does it have to hurt so much?

Then in a few weeks it will be 21 years ago I had a miscarriage. I have never forgotten and I always wondered if was a boy or girl and what it would've been like. It's harder for me at this moment because of the things going on with my daughters. I've heard it said that when you go to heaven you will meet the child that you miscarried, aborted, or stillbirth. At first the thought scared the daylights out of me. Now I'm ok with it, I wanna know. I wonder why that baby wasn't meant to be? So I do the best I can and know my life is going the right way it's supposed to.

I really believe I'm supposed to take this time and work on me and my body. Which I have been. I've been walking more and more, eating much better, doing the acupuncture, and now I've started sauna therapy. I LOVE IT!!!! It is so awesome to do it, I get to sit in there and listen to relaxing music. I think and pray. I go again tomorrow morning.

I'm starting to read Tuesdays with Morrie, I haven't gotten very far so I haven't formed an opinion of the book just yet. It's not a very long book so hopefully I'll finish it quickly. I have so many books yet to read. The weather has been getting nicer lately and we've started going back to the mountains. It's always so peaceful there. I feel like there are going to be some big changes in my life coming up.....not sure what it is though, wish I did.

It was a full moon last night and an eclipse, I think it messed with my sleeping. I woke up at 3:15. I was not happy. I have to admit when I went into the bathroom the moon was shining bright through the window it was beautiful. I still wasn't about to stay awake. So I kept telling myself go to sleep, think peaceful thoughts.....I did fall back to sleep then the alarm went off, go figure.

I got my hair trimmed a few days ago and now I'm trying to grow my bangs out, which is weird because I've had bangs since I was 3 yrs old. It's different so we'll see if I can handle it :)

Well I think I'm going to go rest. Have a blessed day

MOM book

I'm still reading the book MOM. Oh my goodness it is SO good!!! I mean there are things in there that really make you think and want to become a better person. In the chapter about loving your husband in front of the children, it's excellent. It says that when your husband gets home or you get home, you should give each other 15 minutes to spend with each other. Of course hug and kiss the children but let the children know that these 15 minutes are very important for mom and dad. It helps them to see how much you love each other and how dedicated you are to each other. WOW. When you show the children how much your spouse means to you it helps them be more secure. They might complain but that's ok, they know they are still important.

You know it's true. I'm very affectionate with my husband, we've always shown afffection in front of the children, they know we've gone on dates, etc. My husband is right now teaching our son how to be a husband and our daughters how a man should treat his wife. Same with me

In a few months I'll be going out of town for 2 weeks, the thought of being away from my husband that long kills me but I have to go. Yet I'll use that time to flirt with him :).

Then it goes on about how important sex is to your husband. I'll have to get the book so I can explain it better. It's also is funny so it's a bonus ;)

Be blessed

1-23

I am reading a fabulous book by Holly Anderson. It's called MOM, becoming the mother every child needs and every husband desires. It's a great book, it goes into how to spend quality time with your children, how to build a relationship especially with trust. Then it goes on to talk about how to love your husband in front of your children. Man I have laughed a ton through this book. It goes into how to have a vision for your relationship with your children. Just trust me a great book.

I've been losing weight and very happy about it!!! I don't have much of an appetite lately but that's ok, I'm also very determined to put healthy things in my body. I've been walking for at least 20 minutes 4-5 days a week. I'm thinking about doing it twice a day. I also want to get the hip hop abs workout dvds. So I can dance my buns away. It's a good feeling losing weight :)

I've been quite sleepy today so I think I'm going to take a nap. be blessed

Refreshed

Yesterday my family went to church. At first my husband didn't want to but I needed to be there. So we go into the sanctuary and worship starts. The spirit within me was just dancing, rejoicing, and worshiping with everything. I didn't want to pray for anything all I wanted to do was thank God for all the wonderful, great things He's done for me and my family. After service was done I walked out so refreshed.

I've been making sure I take walks for at least 15-20 minutes. I feel so much better because of it. I think it's helped my body to release stress and let go of all the pressures I've been under. I watched the sunset a few nights ago while I was on the phone talking to a friend and it was very beautiful. It's those small things that make me happy.

I read something today that caught my eye. Dr. Wayne Dyer has a book called Change your thoughts, change your life. here is something he wrote; People look the way they look, period-criticism is not always necessary or helpful. See the unfolding of the Tao inside everyone, including yourself, and be at peace with what you observe. I like that, I mean if we let go of always judging things and people how much more peaceful would our lives be? Or if you see something that is negative, why not say a prayer for that person, or send blessings their way? I have been trying to do that more and more. I feel so much more peace in my life.

Life is wonderful, I want to live it the best way I know, I don't want it filled with hurt, pressure, problems, etc Don't get me wrong I think when we go through problems to help refine who we are. I do wonder though if we read the bible, listened to what monks have said, and others how much less we would have to go through problems to get what God tells us?

I must go for now, be blessed

The new year

Like many people in the world I have a few extra pounds that I need to shed. Over the last few years I gained 30 pounds and want them gone. When Dr.s say the affects stress has on the body, boy they aren't kidding. Over the past 10 years I've had a lot of different types of stress and it took it's toll on my body. 7 yrs ago I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and I have learned a whole lot about it. 2 years ago I also went through adrenal fatigue, when researching it I found it takes about 3 yrs to recover. I can sure testify to that.

Our reaction to situations in our lives really make a huge difference. Our body tries to tell us slow down, calm down, I need attention, etc. when we don't listen everything about us suffers. God has given us many wonderful tools to help us deal with stressful times in our life. In my quest to better health I have been blessed with finding wonderful Dr.s, articles, magazines, tv shows. When Oprah, Dr. Phil, VH1 and others had shows on successful weight loss it really helped to motivate me and teach me. I have been getting accupuncture and LOVE it, I had a deep massage a few days ago...ouch but I needed to get the knots in my back worked out. I really believe all this should be covered by our insurance company instead of just covering perscriptions. Our body knows how to heal, we just have to listen and do the things it needs to get us back to that point.

Learning to let go of alot of needless worry is a big step. I recently had someone break my heart and it was my oldest daughter. I think what she is doing is a big mistake, the bad thing is she didn't even talk to me about what she was thinking about doing, when she finally told me what she was wanting to do it was on the phone and her attitude was rude, I told her I didn't agree, but this wasn't an arguement, we would discuss it when she got home. She was supposed to come home to get some things and take care of other things but she backed out. She text me that she wasn't coming home and would talk to me later.......days later she wants me to clean up her mess for her and I was mad. I asked God to please give me wisdom and peace in this situation. As usual God is very faithful to help me. I called my daughter and told her I would do this thing she asked but it was only because it pertained to her education. I told her I was mad and hurt that she has shut me out of her life for 2 weeks and then when she makes such a big decision she treated me totally wrong. I told her I am an awesome mom, I don't care what anyone says, I'm a good person. Yes I have my fault like everyone else but I try my best to be fair, patient, loving and to be the best person I can. I didn't deserve the treatment from her.

She agreed. Did it hurt yes!!! I did alot of deep breathing that my Dr. and friend Jim taught me. I didn't eat much but I made sure I took my vitamins, drank lots of water. I remembered the many scriptures I've read in the bible. One morning I woke up and the first thought was peace be still. Ok I get it! I went to the farm and cried my eyes out while petting one of the horses, who stood there and kept nugging me.

In talking to a friend who also had been talking to my mom, she wondered how I'm not freaking out. I asked her what good is it going to do for me to freak out? What is it going to do for my body? Nothing.....I am a mother, I love my daughter no matter what and she will someday realize what she's done.

So in my quest for the best health and trying to get over my heart ache I've been walking more. I also have a small indoor trampoline I bounce on. here's a tip for any parent........they are great to get energy out of children too !!!! I told my husband I want to lose this weight so I can be hot for him. Then I thought why should I wait? I mean I'm hot now, even with this added cushin. how many of us think we have to wait till we are thinner to begin to live the way we want? I can still wear cute/sexy clothing, It's all in how I feel about myself right? So why wait? I'm not going to, as I'm on my weightloss journey I'm going to continue to do things to make me happy and feel good about myself!!!

Life is good, I'm going to live it to the fullest :):):)
Be blessed everyone

Happy New Year

My family and I went on vacation for Christmas. It was awesome being with friends and family. My son was able to play in the snow, it had been almost 3 years since he last seen snow. The temperature was really quite nice, I was a little afraid it would get below 20 and it didn't. When we got home my animals were so happy to see me. It's amazing how good it feels to be back home.

I started talking to an old boyfriend. Believe it or not the things he's gone through with his ex wife helps me with my situation. Also since his children are grown and mine are growing the things he says really makes sense. Maybe there is a reason we've reconnected? We got on the subject of God and he pretty much says God doesn't talk to him. OOOH that is so not true. So we'll see. He sure doesn't realize the door he opened with me on that....poor guy LOL.

I think I mentioned in other blogs that I had acupuncture twice. I think having it the second time really made a difference. In fact I want another appointment!!! I am feeling lighter inside, my sex drive is also coming back wooo hooo especially for my poor husband. I never would deny him but I'm sure it hasn't always been fun knowing your wife isn't into it. We've been together a little over 9 years and I swear I love him more everyday. I have friends that are going through a very hard time in their marriages and I look at mine and am very thankful for what we have. It wasn't always that way, once we were able to communicate and open up our relationship really took off.

I was watching Creflo Dollar this morning and he was talking about the seeds we sow in our lives. That is so true! I surround myself with positive words and most of all God's word. When the seeds are planted they sure do blossom the more you tend to them. I find that I'm able to plant seeds in others to help their lives be better. That is freakin awesome!

I have to end this, the hubby and I have some errands to do. May you all have a blessed and prosperous new year.