12-6-09

I seem to have done it again....it's been awhile since I've posted

I'm trying to get my life in order.....still.

There is a gentleman whom I've known for 23 years, he's lying in a hospice bed right now getting ready to cross over. I was with him yesterday for most of the day, he also is my bf's dad. I said a prayer as I drove to the hospice that I would bring in comfort and peace while being there. I know the importance of family to J. There is quite a bit of division amongst the children. It's really very sad. I wish there was something I could do or say to help them come together. I have many thoughts go through my head about things I could say but know that prayer is the best option right now.

A week ago my son and I went shopping at Kohl's, I noticed a man that was by the registers waiting. My eyes bug out, my face kinda looks shocked, and my demeanor changes. My son asks me what's wrong....so I told him to look at the man...he's my dad :(

Since my parents divorced when I was 7 years old, he gave up his parental rights to me not long after. I talked to him here and there growing up and the last time I saw him was when I was 16. Was it totally his fault that I didn't persue a relationship with him? I did try on different occassions but let it go. I always go through so many emotions when I see him again. Out of the 4 kids I am the one that runs into him. And it's that same area too, maybe I should go shopping else where lol.

Growing up without a dad was hard, I wanted that love a dad gives his little girl, being protective when she started dating, teaching her how to drive, walking her down the aisle when she gets married, help fix things when something breaks, being a grandpa.

My mom started dating a man 23 years ago and he was (still is) always there for me. When I had a miscarriage he drove me to my bf's house (the same one I have now) so I could talk to him, he waited in the car. When I was learning to drive, he would take me out and let me drive 30 minutes away to pick my mom up from work, when I got pregnant with my oldest daughter I was going to school and working, my truck broke down and he took the money he was saving for his traveling days when he retired to buy 2 cars, one for him and mom and one for me. I didn't pay the car payment, when I had to be rushed to a hospital 50 miles away, he got there before the ambulance did and was in the room the whole time till they took me to the OR, he's been a grandpa to my children, he and my mom walked me down the aisle.

When I made mistakes he never said much. When I needed help with anything he would at least try to fix it. There's never been much affection or emotions. He grew up being the black sheep of his family so he's got his guard up too. He's been there, doing all the "things" dad's do without having the title. For him I'm very thankful for. I can't say I love him like a dad but very close :).

I feel sad that my dad doesn't know me or my children. He's missed out on something great! Not to mention his other 3 children and 8 grandchildren.

women are treasures

Had to go to my daughter's play and on my way home was listening to the Steve Harvey morning show. He does these letter where people ask questions. He was saying he doesn't understand why women beat themselves down. How we are the treasure and we need to not put ourselves down, second guess ourselves etc. I was just talking with my friend Sara the other day about how we look at ourselves and it was the same thing Steve was saying.

Looking at the definition of treasure, used as a verb means to be highly valuable and precious. hmmm so how does one go about knowing and being highly valuable and precious? It has to start within ourself. That's where I know Louise Hay says we have to love ourself and never ever critize.

I wish I had more time to go into this but I have to get to work. I wanted to at least get down what I thinking of.
to be continued :) be blessed

Had a good nights sleep, woke up feeling really refreshed. Bf has been suffering alot with migraine headaches. I noticed that's also around when his moods changed and he was grouchier. I text him and asked if he felt he had been out of sorts lately? he said no and I told him I might disagree and why. For about a month I felt like something was off between us and couldn't put my finger on it. Think I know now. We went out to eat for breakfast at a cafe, oh man it's really good!! Then afterwards we went to the lake. We took our shoes off and stood in the lake. At first it was really cold and it took my breath away. My son was in there like it was nothing....to be a kid again :). We walked along way and then bf and son were skipping rocks. That was fun to watch them. We also climbed the big rocks that are around there. Son had a blast doing that. He was saying how beautiful it was around there and really wanted to get a boat so he could have more fun. I agree I would love to get a boat too. We talked about nature and its importance. I hope he always remembers!!!

So I've been online reading different articles and stumbed on Deepak Chopra's site and read about the law of giving and to remember that I can bring a gift to someone no matter where I go. It can be a smile, a prayer, a compliment. To receive gratefully all the gifts life gives to me.

I've just been informed that it is 2:30 and my son is starving. More later..............

laughter

Grabbed a Truth of Life book and was reading a chapter on laugher.

There's a part where Munetada Kurozumi says we must ensure that the Sun Goddess within us is kept full, and not eclipsed all the time. When positive principles becomes weak in us, the negative principle becomes ascendant. When the negative wins out, there is contamination, a state in which vitality has dried out. If you spend your days thankfully, everything will turn out wonderfully. If your mind gets gloomy it will be difficult for you to get ahead in the world. You must do your best to fill yourself with feelings of spring as you devote yourself to your task.

Laughter doesn't make just the person who laughs healthy and happy. Cheerful people spread happiness and good health wherever they go. Pleasant humor, clever witticism, innocent nonsense, a roar of laughter are forms of good natural medicine. They lubricate points of friction between people's minds and offer relief as we tread the steep and difficult paths of life. They are medicine you should take in an even greater quanity when you are exhausted by the battles of life.

That is so true for me, I find when there is alot of stressful things going on I have to stop and do something that will make me laugh. I've said many times I'm a big Tyler Perry fan, his movies and tv shows have helped me in so many wonderful ways. I watched Gran Tarino the other day, it was totally not what I expected. Clint Eastwood's character had me laughing.
Working with children makes me laugh all the time. They amaze me with the things they come up with. I have one little boy T, when T dances it is the most hilarious and precious sight. He has such a determined look on his face. Plus the way he talks is equally funny.

Ever heard that the enviroment you are around affects you profoundly? Yep that is true for me. I was doing very well with keeping upbeat and positive. Then when my bf and I got together things changed. I had to recognize what it was doing to me and stop it. I can let his moods affect me in a negative way or I can choose to create my own mood despite his cranky butt. I've found when I don't let him get to me and I'm still my playful goofy self, his moods lightens alot.

There are quite a few movies out that I want to go see, they look funny and I think I need a good dose of laughter.

Off to do my hair, hope you have a great weekend, be blessed

7-7

I had a chiropractor appointment this morning. So I got up early worked out, showered and then went to see the great Dr. Krista. I get there and she adjusts me with her clicker thing. Then puts the pads on that sends electrical current to the muscles. I was like this for a good 20 minutes. Got my back iced too. Then she did the Logan Adjustment on me. Aw man it is a very gentle adjustment it's in the butt area and let me tell you every time I have this done and I have sex, the orgasms are way more intense. It's like it gets things flowing better in the lower back area and it feels softer, less clogged, etc. I am trying to keep up with getting my back worked on. So getting regular back adjustments is on my list of staying healthy.

I'm going to be looking into finding someone to do acupuncture again. I miss it!! So if anyone is seeing a chiro..........ask about the logan adjustment and ask for it!!!

Time for me to get in bed. Good night be blessed

July 1

I've been having alot of headaches lately, sinus and migraine. The migraines seem to be a few days before my period and the sinus is dependant on the weather. That's one thing I didn't deal with often in AZ was my sinues. In Louise Hay's book she said the possible cause of sinus headaches is irritation with a partner. That would forsure be my problem lol.

I have to really ask myself what am I doing in this relationship. I want to give it a chance I want it to work. I already know I can want many things but if the other person doesn't or isn't doing what he should then it's a mut point. I'm the type of person that likes to have stability, yet spontaneity in her life. When I'm running late I let the person know. This man doesn't like to really make plans, he figures if he doesn't say he'll be somewhere at a certain time, he thinks he won't be in trouble. HA, that's not gonna work for me. I'm not sitting around waiting for him to get home, or finish doing whatever. I've talked to him about it. To me it doesn't show much respect. If you know we don't get much alone time and the opportunity presents itself, are you gonna make plans to be with me or pussy foot around? Of course typing this stuff out isn't always the easiest thing to do. I've been getting irritated a lot lately and frankly I don't like it.

I know part of the reason is my life is out of balance. Time to get it back! Lots of questions and the biggest one is am I fooling myself? Is that where this irritation is coming from because maybe deep down I'm not being treated the way I should and I'm holding on for the wrong reasons?

He's been in a bad mood the last few days. I decided I'm not going to let anyone's mood dictate mine. So when I got home from work yesterday I walked in kissed him on the cheek and asked him if he's still grouchy(in a playful way)? Then still playfully told him if he was gonna be crabby he could go to his room and stay there till he got rid of the grouchies. I went about getting things done around the house and his mood seem to get better.
I've been praying for him. There are so many areas in his life where I see lots of negativity. My counselor asked me once if I felt he needed fixing and that I can save him. I laughed and said oh hell no!! We all need fixing in some way, shape, or form but I'm sure not the one that is gonna do any fixing, that's his job. I will be encouraging, we can talk about issues, and if it's something I can't handle and he's not willing to work on it then it's time to move on.

So I started writing down what I want in a relationship. I think I'll give it to him and see what he says. I know there are things that take time to build up to. He just doesn't seem to grasp the common courtesy and respect thing. Another instance. He has a friend name John, John's son was getting married and wanting BF to go. Now it was my understanding that I was invited to go to the wedding also. When the invitation came it was only addressed to BF, normally it will say and guest. I told him so. The wedding was in 4 weeks. I didn't know if I could get a babysitter and also I didn't have anything nice to wear. So the wedding is near and he knew I didn't have anyone to watch my son and knew that I wasn't invited because he never did call John to clarify it.

So he goes to the wedding/reception and is gone for 7 hours. I didn't say a word. I was talking to my exh and he made the comment that he would have never gone to that wedding with out me, especially if I couldn't get a sitter. It's not like it's for someone really important, bf knew the son but wasn't close to him or didn't know him that long. When I mentioned to my best friend Renee what exh said she agreed with him. It did bother me that bf went to the wedding and I wasn't a second thought but I'm tired and didn't want to deal with it. I mentioned to bf what both people had said and he then asked me if i was irritated that he went to the wedding. I told him a little. Nothing was said after that.

I have another appointment with the counselor on the 13th and he's going with. Actions speak volumes and for someone who says he wants to marry me I have to wonder why? You don't treat someone you want to marry that way.

Ok let's get on a happier subject. I'm getting irritated all over again :(

Found a few quotes I really like

Giving up doesn't always mean that you are weak; sometimes it means you are strong enough to let go

Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances- Mohandas Gandhi

My mom is flying in a week from today. I'm very excited to see her, it's been a year. I took off Friday so we can spend the day together. I need to come up with some fun things we can do.

Time for me to get ready for work. Be blessed
till next time :)

weight stuff

I record Oprah and finally had the chance to watch one of the shows. It was on the secrets of the Biggest Loser people. The winner, was 234 pounds and is now 125. I'm looking at this girl and saying I should be just like her. I had a good workout this morning, I've been averaging 3 times a week. Next week I want to do 4. I was having a tough time waking up Mon-Wed. I think it's because I didn't go to be till 12am, I'm used to going to sleep at the latest 10:30. I also ran out of my T2 supplement so I wonder if that might be part of it? Although today I woke up just fine, went tanning and worked out. I did the eliptical for 2 minutes then did the treadmill for 30 minutes I was at 4 incline and 3.3 speed.

I was irritated this morning and usually when I do my affirmations and prayer, it goes away but today it's a little more difficult. I stopped at McDonalds and got an iced coffee (yea I know not good) and a salad for lunch. When I got to work, being around the children lifted my irritation alot but when I got home it seemed to come back.

One thing that struck me while watching the people from Biggest Loser is when they said they were able to change their eating and exercise but what was hard was how they thought of themselves. I can relate to that. For so many years I was over weight and basically that is why my first husband left is because my body didn't match my face. the things he said hurt and tried to scar me. I have moments where I struggle with feeling fat and not good enough. I know none of that is true. I find what helps me is watching shows like Oprah and reading good articles. I like realage.com it's got good recipes and articles. I like to read inspiring things and it helps me.

I have to keep telling myself I can do it

ouchy

woke up with the worst sinus/migraine headache, I thought my eyes were going to pop out. Even the back of my nose hurt. Took sudafed and drank some coffee that usually knocks it right out...nope. I had to take vicadin and that has never happened to me before. The past almost year I've been getting these nasty headaches like once a month :(

hmmm gotta figure out what is going on. The last one I had was in March. Wasn't able to exercise obviously but will hope tomorrow I will be all better. I don't like when I can't exercise I feel so much better when I do!!

I've been hearing more people say lately different sayings like once a cheater always a cheater, a lepoard doesn't change its spots, etc. Is that really the case? If a person maybe isn't the nicest or honest does that mean they can't change? I've always believed that anyone can change if they want to. If someone truly wants to make their life better and get out of the rut they are in, they can do it. Does everyone do it? No, but why think the worst of someone right off the bat? I know you have to look at someone's actions as well as what they say.

Seems like too much judging going on. I know I can be guilty of it too, but try very hard to be more encouraging than anything.

I'm finding it still hurts to think so I'll end this. Be Blessed

June 1

Just finished working out....wow it was awesome!! I always have my ipod on, gotta have my music :). I wanted something uplifting, searched the music I had and went to Juanita Bynum, she has fabulous worship/praise music. So I put her on, closed my eyes, held on to the bar (on a treadmill), felt the music and my spirits just soared. I pictured myself healthy, thin, and beautiful. Then went on to be very thankful for all the blessings in my life. I've started running for a minute every 10 minutes to help get my endurance up again. I'm not one that likes to sweat but man it feels really good.

I also started thanking my body for all the wonderful things it's done for me despite my neglect whether it was from laziness or lack of knowledge.

Been doing good with eating more fruits and veggies. I want to get a juicer really badly, Dr. Mercola's website has one that I would love to get. Soon

I want to get some healthier recipes or rather new ones :) So the healthclub where I'm a member had a belly dancing class........I really wanna do it!!!

Ok time to get in the shower and get my butt to work.
Be Blessed

5-9

I just don't know where to start. I had my peaceful weekend and I was hoping that would mean more peace and balance for me. Nope, I think it's because the situation I'm in, kinda can't have those things when I haven't ended one life to begin another. I'm at least trying hard to let go of some anger I've had lately. I finished my book, Tuesday's with Morrie, it was very good. I loved how the author had you really get to know Morrie. I had lump in my throat many times through out the book. Then I moved on to reading The Wednesday Letters, that was a cute book too. Now I'm reading Power of Intention by Dr. Wayne Dyer. The other day I started writing down a bunch of words like love, trust, honor, respect, commitment, laughter, peace, harmony. Then on a different peace of paper I wrote down hurt, anger, distrust, lies, sneaky, secrets, etc. Just from reading the first paper I felt light, positive flowy. The second one really made me feel sad, negative, and stuck. I have made the decision to live my life as much as possible in the light. I have a list of questions I have written down and I like to reflect on them
here are some of them:

are you living your life the way you want? are you happy? free flowing? peaceful?
are you the best person you can be? Of course we are always learning and growing so that is a great thing

are you losing your energy to useless things, ways, and/or people?
do you feel balanced?
what inspires you?
what makes you feel like you are in heaven?
what's your passion?
are you living or existing?
do you make choices that honor you?
are you your own best friend?
do the things you do/say add to your life positively?
what are you worthy of?

To me those are some pretty powerful questions to help me evaluate what I'm doing with myself. The last 2 1/2 months I've been back to exercising and I'm so happy I'm able to workout for 30 minutes. I'm feeling so much better and losing some inches too :)

Then I was online look at lovingyou.com and found something about giving your man photos of you in like a boudior photos...I thought hmmmm I've always wanted to do this and now is the best time to do such a thing since I'm working out, what a great motivator. So I have another 2 months to get down 2 sizes and get this done. I think it will be fun :)

well my dinner is done....homemade spaghetti yummmmm. so till next time be blessed :)

4-17

My weekend is finally here wooo hooo. It's quiet and I don't have to talk. I'm liking this so far. Went to the store and picked up some fresh fruits and veggies, water, and other things to munch on. The weather today was fabulous, got my walk in and actually did 4 days in a row. Trying to keep myself active. I don't think I've spoken a word in 2 hours, that isn't like me at all :).

I saged the room, and have my frankincense/myrh incense burning. I'm munching on fresh pineapple at the moment and it is so good. I bought some magazines and a new book, can't remember the title and don't want to get it out of the bed to find out. I'm currently reading Tuesdays with Morrie. Man I've had tears a few times, it's a great book. Not very long but packed with such great wisdom.

Gonna cut this short, I'm tired and need to rest a bit.....more later

4-10-09

I was looking over the last year and seeing how out of balance I really am. I see a lot of fear in me and that usually isn't the case. I've let the drama steal my peace, how sad :(. Picked up a book called Love Dare. Its from the movie Fireproof, haven't seen it yet but the book was interesting. Talked to an old friend that I haven't talked to in I bet 19 years. We talked for hours and it was like no time had passed at all. We are supposed to get together and get a bit to eat soon. I love going out with friends so I'm excited!!! Weather is getting nicer, which of course makes me want warm weather NOW. My son has been spending more and more time outside which is exactly what he needs. He comes in and is nice and tired, don't ya love it?

OMG my phone is blowing up, gotta end this for now. Be blessed

4-4-09

So the drama really is continuing. I told the bf that I thought things would be better if we ended it. He doesn't want that at all, he says I'm the love of his life, I inspire him, I balance him, I complete him. I told him people enhance who we are not complete us. He says he's never had someone walk into his heart the way I have. He lost me 20 years ago and isn't giving up on us. The answers are out there that we can fight for us. I had a question pop in my head, if something is meant to be, do you really have to fight for it? Do you do things to make it happen?

So I'm confused to say the least. I decided to take a weekend and go to a hotel room, where no one will no where I am. No phone, no nothing. I may bring my computer so I can search the web, not too sure yet. When I said I needed to do some soul searching, he asked if I thought I would actually get answers? HUH? is he serious? Let's see peace, quiet, noone around, praying, meditation, hot bath, healthy foods, tea, essential oils, candles, incense? Yes I do. I believe the answers are there I'm just not hearing them because they are so jumbled from listening to bf and ex. I told bf I'm the type that needs the quiet and alone time to figure things out especially when it gets way too overwhelming.

The other day I felt like I had so much weight on my shoulders, back, and chest. So I went for a walk before work, put on the ear phones, got the ipod in my pocket and walked. I stretched and did some deep breathing and it's amazing how much better I truly felt.

I'm out of balance and that is so not good. I don't like it, I want to be peaceful again. So I have the room booked and will start to plan what I'm taking. I'll also go to the lake to have some nature time too.

I'm also on the search for some good books, anyone have any suggestions?

Was reading a blog, not sure who's but the woman was telling a story of her friend, how this friend lives spiritual, so how does one live spiritually? The woman went on to say that her friend walked her journey listening to her heart. She found her answers within herself and acted on them. Now that's what I'm talking about!! I can't wait for my weekend!!!!

Ok another question..........
when being in a relationship, that person comes home wraps his arms around you and you get this feeling of calm, serenity, love, joy. Same thing happens when he kisses you, well of course add in desire and passion. what is that? Noone has ever done that to me except this one person

love drama cont

Seems my love drama continues. 2 weeks ago my bf was over and was in a foul mood, I text him I hated to see him in such a mood, wish I could make him smile. He texts back he's gonna go. OK, so we say goodbye, he says he'll call me later. I text him a few minutes later asking why did he have to go like that. He responds, he's not in the mood for visiting. I understand he was laid off and it was really stressing him out. You see he's the type that thinks he's in control of everything, but doesn't get that all the stressing, bad moods, and icky thinking is just creating more of it. So I figure ok I'll let him be. The last time he got like this I got the silent treatment and ended up furious. I can understand when someone needs some space but you don't have to act like an ass and show disrespect!!! Well I don't have my van anymore, haven't for over a month now. He's been picking me up from work everyday since.

So I get up the next day, text him I hope he has a better day. He responded with Good Morning, that was it. I go to work and it was a gorgeous day so I took the kids outside (teacher), it was awesome being able to enjoy it. After I got the kids down for their nap I got a text from him asking if I was talking to him, I told him yes, he said doesn't seem like it, I told him I was giving him his space, he said he would rather have a hug, I said me too, he asked why did I need a hug and I told him because of that last few days. I responded with I see that was it. So I went about the rest of my day. My son comes to my room which is quiting time and we go outside........no bf around.

I tell my son let's go and start walking. I get a phone call from my friend and she asked what I was doing, told her walking home. She asked why and I told her cuz bf isn't there. She told me she'd call back in a few minutes. Phone rang but it wasn't her, I guess she text bf and asked why is my son and I walking home. He said he didn't know we were, she asked how else are they getting home? He calls me and asks why am I walking home...........how else will I get there? He didn't seem to care about it until now, so then he says "Oh it's my fault"? I told him it didn't really matter. I was furious and didn't want to say anything in front of my son.

The way I look at it is, I'm supposed to be his lady. He's been picking me up the whole time, yet never once asked me if I needed a ride or even just showed up. Now if someone is your lady you are supposed to make sure they are taken care of. That wasn't done, in fact he was mean about the whole thing. While I was on the phone he never asked how far I was from work and offer to still come get us. Yet there was silence on the phone until his sister started talking to him, I got so angry I hung up.

Now mind you the road we are walking on doesn't have sidewalks and is a very busy street. 20 minutes later, he asked me if I hung up on him, I asked why? took 20 minutes to figure it out? I guess he was waiting to see if I would call back. We text back and forth and the bottom line is he goes out to eat with his sister instead of straighten things out with me. To me that says volumes instead of apologizing or anything he gets mean. Saying it only took me 2o minutes to get home, uuuh no it was 50 and granted it's 2.4 miles but after working all day and guess what.....adrenal fatigue HELLO???? I asked him what did I tell him about my exercising? Didn't I walk a mile in a half at most and had to scale down because I was getting too warn out? YES....didn't I also have to go from 30 minutes to 20? YES.......yea he really cares. I told him to read up on adrenal fatigue again. I'm taking $300 worth of freaking supplements a month just cuz I like spending the money.

I know everyone is different and everyone handles things differently but I've noticed since being with him he's an angry person, he sees things in a negative way. We've had many dicussions about many different topics and then wonder why many times I feel out of balance. I have allowed his mood to interfere with mine. I got to the point where I told myself enough and went back to reading inspirational things, praying, meditating, listening to things helped my mood be good.

He made a comment that you can't just sit back and let the universe bring you good, you have to go get it. I told him I agree and disagree. He has no trust in God and it shows big time in his life. I've had to really sit back and look at the whole relationship. There are things that I know about his past and even what he did 2 years ago that has me wondering about his morals. Now let me tell you right now I'm in no position to judge. But when you are talking about spending your life with someone and having them around your children you have to look at it.

When my ex found out my son and I walked home, the first thing out of his mouth was.......you should've called me I would've come to get you. This man works 45 minutes away. I was like wow. He's always been that type of a man, he has a heart of gold. Yes he still wants to get back together with me but I'm telling you he's like that with friends and family too.

I prayed and asked for guidance. I also know I've had others praying for me and to know what the right thing to do is. You see my ex is saying that when you get married you take vows and has said he knows we belong together and with God we will be better than ever because he wants to be a better man, husband, and dad. So decisions have to be made

However I have to end things with the bf. I love him, always have, always will. But love isn't enough. I don't want to go into all the details of why, I don't want to say anymore negative things. I just feel it's the right thing to do. I don't understand why after 18 years we were together a year and it's done. Why hurt all over again from losing each other? No matter how mad he's made me, how negative he can be, there was still good, and I really do hurt terrible over this. They say we teach people how to treat us, well I can't be treated the way I have been and I'm not sure it would change. He says he loves me so much and feels that we are supposed to be together that we are connected and soulmates.

I think I just need some time to be alone and figure everything out. I'm out of whack here and made things harder on myself

2-28-09

Went on Oprah's website and saw that Steve Harvey has a book out. I read the article and am very interested in reading his book now. He mentions how a woman needs to have higher standards when it comes to men. Not to go to bed with them until 90 days or so. I will admit I am totally guilty of that. I haven't ever been one to sleep around so in 23 years I don't even cover 2 hands. I see where I needed to have higher standards for myself. I think that is where alot of this boils down to, is self esteem. I told my mom I think its an awesome time in the world we are talking about way more things and we are able to help each other. I hope and pray that I am able to talk to my children and tell them how important it is to know thier self worth, which is very very high. I want them to realize their body is a temple and not just anyone gets the temple.

Which brings me to my drama girlfriend in FL, the girl called me at 12:56 am saying how she met some 22 yr old and how I needed to answer my phone so I could take her out of doing anything stupid but now I'll just have to bitch her out when I call her back. HUH? You have got to be kidding me. Lord have mercy!!! This is the same girl who just 3 days ago said she wasn't having sex for 6 months, how she's tired of guys thinking she's easy, talking like a pig to her, etc. Uh hello when you have no self respect that's exactly how others will treat you. I love her dearly, we have been there for each other for 16 years and it'll continue to be that way. So when I talk to her I'm gonna ask her what the hell is she thinking and tell her to go read the books I bought her cuz she hasn't learned a thing!!!

I would love to write more but I have another cold and I need to lay down.
So let's see what will today's affirmation be

I love and approve of myself, therefore I have high respect for myself.
That sounds good. I think I'll text my girls that and tell them to write it 1000 times!!
Be blessed!!!

love drama

Went away this weekend, it was a friend of mine's daughter's bday party. The area they live in isn't so populated and is a big tourist area in the spring/summer/fall. It really is beautiful, so I was able to get refreshed. I needed that after working so much last week! I have 2 girlfriends that are total drama queens, there are times I sit back listening to them and laugh then are other times it exhausts me to listen. When I'm on the phone with one and the other calls wow that can be a bit much on me LOL. Most of the drama is their love lives. After getting off the phone with them I decided to watch a movie, I picked Something's Gotta Give. It got me thinking about Jack Nickelson's character Harry. He goes after young women and doesn't commit. After years of that behavior he finds Ericka who is more his age and they end up together. I have to wonder does that behavior really stop, or does he continue to have commitment issues?

How many stories I've heard about a girl falling in love with a guy she's been warned to be careful around. She wants to believe that he will love her, be faithful to her, share his life with her, etc. To put the icing on he says and does all the right things, then crash he starts treating her different or cheating or both. I'm fully aware that women do it too but most of the women I know don't.

Can you really judge a person by their history? My mom once made a comment that a leopard doesn't change it's spots. What happened to treating someone with love and respect? Sharing your life? Being best friends? To being commited? Having fun getting to know each other and building on it? Does it start with knowing yourself? It's no secret I've had 2 failed marriages. The first one I couldn't do anything about, he wanted out and well it ended. The second one I tried to talk to him, tell him what was missing and what I needed and for years he stuck his head right in the sand. Tried counseling, but it didn't work, he continued to stay in a rut. It wasn't just in our marriage but in every aspect of his life. He's a sweet man, he's got a heart of gold but I had to be the man and woman. There wasn't balance.

I've got some big decisions to make about my love life. There has always been something about this man, even when we dated 24 years ago. When we broke up a few times it was like the moment we saw each other again we were drawn together and started seeing each other. Which is exactly what happened this time too. He says all the right things but I'm sitting back looking at actions and there are some I'm not liking. He has been with alot of women sexually and the way it happened wasn't always the most moral way. There are more things but that's too much to get into right now. I happen to be friends with his daughter and she is JUST like him. He's not liking the fact that she is sleeping around, going to bars, etc. I told him why not, she is acting just like he did. He doesn't believe in "sins of the father". I mentioned we teach many things to our children even when we don't think they know what's going on. The more I sit back the more I see that his dad I believe had his share of women too. Did he cheated on his wife? Not sure, I haven't asked.....yet. He's always kept people at arms length and never let anyone in. I'm not like that at all. I love to talk, ask questions, learn, and let love grow. When we were first started talking, we were talking about our ex's and he mentioned how he and his first ex were talking just as friends once in a while.

A few months after we were seeing each other, his daughter tells me that he hinted around to her mom that he wanted to maybe get back together but when I came into the picture he dropped her like a hot potatoe like he did 24 years ago (not true). When I asked him about it he kept saying it wasn't true and trying to make it sound like his daughter was testing the waters or trying to start trouble. Well it never sat well with me, something wasn't right and well my spirit was screeching at me DON'T BELIEVE IT!!!! 4 months later I had to get an email address out of his email ( I knew the password). As it was still loading I clicked on contacts but clicked the sent button. I see an email to a woman he dated the previous year that was trying to still be with him and supposedly he was just ignoring her. So I looked at the emails he had sent and sure enough the daughter was telling the truth, he was emailing with his ex wife. When I confronted him about it he told me he was afraid to tell me because he didn't want me thinking it was like 24 years ago.

Let's just say I lit into him because the biggest thing that ticked me off was the fact that when I would ask him about things I heard he would get upset with me. I was like oh hell no you had the nerve to get upset and all this time I was freakin right........I told him not to lie to me grrrrrr

It's things like that, that make me wonder. I asked him if his mom or dad ever talked to him about when he was cheating on his wife, or was out running around with the boys when he should've been home with his wife and kids? He said no......not at all. Hmmmmmm, I know my mom sure would have plenty to say to me if I was doing wrong!!!

My mind is going 90 miles a minute. I love this man yet I have to wonder why? Am I in love with the things he says? Sure, his actions, most. Then I gasp.......I don't wanna drama in my love life!!!

Too late, #2 ex wants to get back together........Oh damn!!! Thinking about that scares the shit out of me. I love him but is it like a wife should love her husband? No, is it because we aren't ment to be together? Is it cuz I need a man not what I had? Calgon please take me away

I need a hot bath, a massage, and some tea.

1-31-09

Had a pretty good week. I worked out 4 times and I am so happy with how great I feel. They say it takes up to 3 years to recover from adrenal fatigue and boy they aren't lying. I've been doing really good the past year in a half. I've been going to the sauna once a week, tomorrow is my day. My daughter worked out with me this morning, I was laughing to myself watching her on the eliptical.

You ever have someone who just keeps being a thorn in your side? I have one of those too, it so happens to be my ex husband's wife. Have mercy I have turned the other cheek many times but how many times do I have to be told she is telling my daughters stuff about me they have no business knowing? I've prayed for her, I do feel sorry for her because you can tell she is very threatened by me. I'm sure there is a lesson in there but man there are moments I would love to kick her butt!!!

So I heard a saying today and it really stuck with me:

Are you living or are you existing?

Is that not a powerful question? What is your answer? So that is on my mind today/tonight.

Time for dinner and a movie with my children. Be blessed!!!

1-21-09

Saturday went to see the movie Not Easily Broken. It was an awesome movie, there are some parts in there that really touched my heart because I could relate to it. When it comes out on DVD I'm getting it. Also watched Tyler Perry's The Family that Preys..........good movie. Then after that I watched Why Did I Get Married? I've seen it before and it got me thinking about my my baby and wondered his reasoning for wanting to marry me so I asked. I'll go into more detail later. Sunday my baby went out of town for work. I'm going nuts, I hate being away from him. I feel like a lost puppy, am I insane or what :). I have 2 more days till I see him again, this is torture. He better not ever leave me like this again. We might go away for the weekend, if it works out that would be so awesome.


After work I went in the sauna, oh man it felt great. I've been having issues with my right leg bothering me as well as my lower back so it helped me. There is a track in the gym that's upstairs and for some reason anytime I walk it my back and leg kill me. So that means no more track and I have to go on the treadmill. I've been trying very hard to eat healthy and exercise more. Watched Oprah's best life week and it has motivated me more to get healthier.

1-16-09

The last few days have been very cold around here. I've mentioned how there are times I have a hard time living in Wisconsin. I'm one that believes attitude is everything and sets the tone. I'm trying very hard to have a good attitude about being back but like I've said it's challenging. I know it's only a few years until I'm back where I belong. Hmmmm that's it I don't feel like I belong here.

The sun was shining nice and bright today so I put a chair in front of the window to soak up some rays. It felt really nice :).

So I've been doing some soul searching and know I have some work to do in myself. I want to overcome the trust issues I have with men. Where do I begin? I don't want to attract any of this anymore.

After making dinner the kids and I sat down and watched Tyler Perry's The Familly that Preys. Wow, I really love the wisdom that comes from his movies not to mention the humor. I'm going to have a full day devoted to watching all his movies and even plays. He has been a huge inspiration to me and I laugh so much when I watch his work. When his next movie comes out Madea Goes to Jail, I am so there!!! I loved the play

I almost forgot, I went in the sauna at work Tuesday....................it was awesome. I was in only a half hour but I have to get used to it again. Been walking more too. When I went grocery shopping I got all kinds of fresh fruits and veggies. I've been doing really good with adding more of that in my diet. I sure feel a difference.

Well I have to cut this short I have a preteen daughter hanging over my shoulder beggin for the computer. I suppose it's her turn.

Be Blessed

1-3-09

So I went to the store and got a purple 3 ring binder, some dividers, stickers some have quotes on them, some are hearts, and the others are butterflies. I wanted to make my creative binder pretty. I bought some paper that is multi colored and have different colored pens I write with. It looks very nice. I've been spending some time everyday since I completed it. Whether I'm writing affirmations, goals, or something insperational it's quite calming.



One of the first things I put on my appreciation area was the sunshine!! After being in AZ with the sun that shines 300 days out of the year, it's hard being back here where it's half of that. I'm trying very hard to have a good attitude about being back in WI. Our attitude sets the tone for things so I'm trying to have a good attitude and at times I find it challenging.



I was talking to a friend of mine about her love life. Over the past few months she started dating a man and she's having some reservations. She asked me how do you know when it's fear and when it's your intuition telling you something? Hmmmm that's a good question. Do any of you have any ideas? I would love to hear it.

My affirmation for today is I create only good in my life.